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This article is a transcript of the The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack episode "The Sweet Life," which aired on June 12, 2008.

  • [We open on Flapjack and K'nuckles, approaching a very grimy well situated in an alleyway.]
  • K'nuckles: Here it is, Flapjack — the Stormalong Wishing Well.
  • Flapjack: [chuckling] Well, well, well! Well, well, well, well, well.
  • K'nuckles: Wait, Flap.
  • [He raises Flapjack up to the well. It's brimming with garbage and slime.]
  • K'nuckles: The way it works is, you sit right up here, you close your eyes, and then you make a wish.
  • Flapjack: Hmm. [closes his eyes] I wish... I wish I was as good an adventurer as Cap'n K'nuckles.
  • [K'nuckles ruffles Flapjack's hair. Flapjack giggles.]
  • K'nuckles: That's right, Flapjack. Now, to be a good adventurer, you gotta act tough, and you gotta get dirty.
  • [He lifts Flapjack into the center of the well as he speaks.]
  • K'nuckles: So to be the best adventurer, you gotta go into this garbage and look for money!
  • Flapjack: [chuckling, pinching his nose] It stinks in here, Captain!
  • K'nuckles: That's the smell of adventure, boy!
  • [Flapjack laughs and splashes around in the muck.]
  • K'nuckles: And after you find the money, I'll treat you to some candy.
  • [Flapjack sinks completely into the garbage. A moment passes.]
  • K'nuckles: ... Hey, Flap? Are you, uh, lookin' for money?
  • [Flapjack suddenly resurfaces, shaking himself off. He presents a silver bottle cap and waves it in the air.]
  • Flapjack: [ecstatic] Adventure!!
  • [We transition to the Candy Barrel. K'nuckles strides confidently up to the bar with a filthy Flapjack bouncing along at his side. Peppermint Larry stands behind the bar with his arms crossed.]
  • K'nuckles: Ready the seats! It's time for sweets!
  • Peppermint Larry: Oh, I'm tired of you cheapskates coming in here with no money. Either pay up or get out.
  • K'nuckles: What do you have to say about that, Flapjack?
  • Flapjack: [holds out the bottle cap] Butterscotch, please.
  • Peppermint Larry: That's a bottle cap, Flapjack.
  • [Flapjack looks at the bottle cap. "This is a bottle cap," it reads. He makes a dejected little noise.]
  • K'nuckles: All the boy wants to do is buy a little candy for Captain K'nuckles.
  • Peppermint Larry: Sorry, fellas, but the truth is, I'm all out of candy.
  • K'nuckles & Flapjack: [in unison] What?!
  • Peppermint Larry: Somebody from Upper Stormalong ordered everything I got.
  • K'nuckles: But who?
  • [A pale, fancy man enters the Candy Barrel. This is Charles. He is dressed in upscale, old-fashioned clothing, heavily powdered, wearing a wig.]
  • K'nuckles: [to Flapjack] Get a load'a that. [snickers]
  • Flapjack: [snickers back]
  • Peppermint Larry: One moment, sir.
  • [Peppermint Larry unrolls a long red carpet for Charles. Charles unrolls a posh purple carpet over it in turn.]
  • Charles: Presenting the good Lady Nickelbottoms.
  • [A woman steps in as Flapjack and K'nuckles gawp at her, awestruck. She looks even fancier than Charles. This is Lady Nickelbottoms.]
  • Heavenly Choir: ♫ The richest lady in Stormalong!
  • K'nuckles: That's one fancy dame.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Look, Charles. It thinks I'm fancy.
  • Charles: Milady.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Now, where is the one called Peppermint Larry?
  • Peppermint Larry: [hasty, bowing] That would be me, Lady Nickelbottoms, uh — ma'am.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: I'm standing here and I have not yet received my candy.
  • Peppermint Larry: I'm sorry, madam, i-i-it's waiting for you outside.
  • [Flapjack bounds up to the group gathered by the door.]
  • Flapjack: Hey, Lady Nickelbottoms, can we have some of your candy?
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Goodness me, what is that dirty thing?
  • Charles: I believe it's a boy, milady.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: A — a — a boy, Charles?
  • Charles: A little gentleman, milady.
  • Flapjack: [outraged] I'm no gentleman! I'm an adventurer!
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Well, let us then depart.
  • [K'nuckles bursts into action.]
  • K'nuckles: Wait, your rich ladyness! This poor boy needs your guidance. Take him under your wing so he can learn to be clean and gentle... [pointing to Charles] Like that guy!
  • [Charles emits a quavering gasp.]
  • Flapjack: No, Captain!
  • K'nuckles: [ignoring Flapjack] My only request, dear lady, is that I can come along so I can eat your candy — I mean, uh, so I can ... yeah, so I can eat your candy.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Oh, they come in pairs, Charles. How quaint.
  • Charles: Milady. Come along, gentlemen. The lady doesn't wish to tarry here in the squalor.
  • [K'nuckles follows Charles and Lady Nickelbottom out of the Candy Barrel. Flapjack hangs onto K'nuckles's coat, refusing to walk. His heels drag across the carpet.]
  • Flapjack: Wait, Captain! No!
  • [Flapjack continues uninterrupted as we fade to the outside of an elegant palace in Upper Stormalong.]
  • Flapjack: I don't want to be clean, Captain! I want to be an adventurer!
  • K'nuckles: You are an adventurer, boy! ... Until they clean you. Then you'll be him. [points over his shoulder at Charles]
  • Flapjack: But will I still be an adventurer?
  • K'nuckles: I dunno. As long as you're doing it for the candy, I guess.
  • Flapjack: Then I'll do it for the candy! [clinging tighter to K'nuckles] And my captain.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Here we are.
  • [We transition to the inside of the palace. Flapjack sits, still filthy, while Charles approaches with a bucket of something.]
  • Charles: Time to clean up, little master. Like a nice young gentleman.
  • Flapjack: Clean me all you want, Charles! I'm an adventurer, and that won't wash off no matter how many baths you give me.
  • Charles: [gasps, horrified] Baths? Young gentlemen do not bathe. It exposes them to the elements. We powder.
  • [Charles applies powder to Flapjack's face, obscuring his features.]
  • Charles: There we are, Master Flapjack. Clean as a whistle.
  • [Flapjack draws a frown through the powder with his finger.]
  • [Meanwhile, K'nuckles sits with Lady Nickelbottoms by a crackling fire in another room.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: You're a quiet man, Captain.
  • K'nuckles: Forgive me, rich lady, uh, but, uh — I'm a pirate, you're a rich lady, and I'd hate to say something to make you not give me candy.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: How gallant!
  • K'nuckles: [leaning forward, suddenly interested] Is that a French candy? Are we havin' candy now?
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Help yourself, Captain. The entire house is candy. The molding is marshmallow, the mantelpiece is marzipan, and the marble is some kind of fudge.
  • [She continues speaking, but her voice becomes indistinct. K'nuckles stares and drools.]
  • K'nuckles: [thinking] A house made of candy?! [inhales, groans, and passes out]
  • [We return to Flapjack and Charles. Charles brushes Flapjack's hair.]
  • Flapjack: So I can't play in the dirt?
  • Charles: Dirt weakens the humors.
  • Flapjack: And I can't swim in the garbage.
  • Charles: Garbage furrows the brow.
  • Flapjack: What can I do?
  • Charles: You can be clean and gentle.
  • Flapjack: I can have candy, right?
  • Charles: Oh, no, no, no.
  • Flapjack: [right away] Captain K'nuckles!!
  • [Back to K'nuckles and Lady Nickelbottoms. K'nuckles is snoring, still drooling.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: And this portico is Prussian praline.
  • [Flapjack dashes up to K'nuckles.]
  • Flapjack: Time to go, Captain.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Charles! The child interrupted my conversation.
  • Charles: It has no manners, milady.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Well, take it upstairs and make it a proper gentleman.
  • Flapjack: They're turning me into a gentleman, Captain! [tearfully] They're turning me into a gentleman.
  • [Charles drags Flapjack away and closes the door ahead of them. K'nuckles continues to snore.]
  • [Some time later, K'nuckles blows a bubble of snot in his sleep. It pops, awakening him. His face is covered in stubble, and a greenish crust has developed around his eyes.]
  • K'nuckles: Huh? Wha?! How long have I been out?
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: I didn't even realize you'd left, Captain. I guess I've been preoccupied, sitting here. [smiles, chuckling]
  • K'nuckles: Where's Flapjack?
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Master Flapjack has been asking to see you for days.
  • K'nuckles: Days?! How long have I been —
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Come along, Captain.
  • [We cut away to another room as K'nuckles and Lady Nickelbottoms open the door, peering inside. Flapjack sits on the floor, facing away, playing with a toy lamb on wheels. He is nearly unrecognizable, heavily powdered and dressed in fancy clothes and a wig. His voice is unnaturally soft and quiet.]
  • Flapjack: "Baa," says the lamb. The lamb says, "Baa."
  • K'nuckles: I see the young gentleman, but where's Flapjack?
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: This is Master Flapjack, Captain.
  • K'nuckles: Wha...?
  • Flapjack: Bloeken saht das lamm. Das lamm saht bloeken. My dear little lamb, I do believe your wheels are in need of some oil. I shall fetch your flask.
  • [Flapjack sets a glass of water on top of his head and rises to his feet.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Oh, Master Flapjack? Come. Present yourself to Captain K'nuckles.
  • Flapjack: Yes, your ladyship.
  • K'nuckles: Why's Flapjack got that water on his head?
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: A young gentleman must learn to walk calmly and should never let the water spill.
  • [Flapjack walks to K'nuckles and Lady Nickelbottom, leading the toy lamb after him on a leash. The glass of water remains undisturbed on his head. He stops and bows at the waist.]
  • Flapjack: Good afternoon, Captain.
  • K'nuckles: [puzzled, doubtful] I guess so.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Now you shall recite for Captain K'nuckles.
  • [Flapjack clears his throat and gestures to the toy lamb.]
  • Flapjack: The simple lamb is good and fine, its fleece as fair as curds. But when it tries to sing a song, it cannot form the words... as humans can, milady.
  • K'nuckles: I think I'm gonna be sick.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: I agree, Captain. He needs more training. Perhaps he'll be ready to leave the playroom in a few years.
  • K'nuckles: Yeah, uhh... Let's go get some candy.
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: A splendid idea, Captain.
  • K'nuckles: You got a candy broom closet? I could go for a candy broom closet...
  • [K'nuckles and Lady Nickelbottoms start to leave.]
  • Flapjack: [normal voice] Wait, Captain!
  • [Lady Nickelbottoms whips around to glare at Flapjack. Her face is sinister, halfway in shadow.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: A young gentleman does not speak out of turn!
  • Flapjack: [quiet, chastened] Yes, mum.
  • K'nuckles: Yeah! And don't forget, I'm... [winks] not coming back to get'cha! [puts a finger over his lips]
  • [Flapjack blinks, mystified. The camera cuts to the inside of an unlit broom closet, facing the entrance. Lady Nickelbottoms opens the door and walks inside.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Here we have the candy broom closet, Captain. It contains a wide assortment of our finest gourmet —
  • [K'nuckles slams the door shut behind Lady Nickelbottoms, plunging her into pitch darkness.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: ... Captain?
  • [We cut back to the playroom with K'nuckles and Flapjack.]
  • K'nuckles: All right, boy, grab all the candy you can carry. We're gonna — ...
  • [The glass of water is still sitting on Flapjack's head. K'nuckles smacks it away. It shatters on the floor offscreen.]
  • K'nuckles: We're gonna get you out of here.
  • Flapjack: [normal voice] But, Captain, isn't that stealing?
  • K'nuckles: Of course not. We're just takin' from the rich and givin' to the... [muttering] hmm, hmm, hmm. Come on, boy. Help me get this candy wallpaper.
  • Flapjack: Aye-aye, Cap'n!
  • [We transition to the two of them walking down a hallway, smiling. Flapjack carries a heaping pile of assorted furniture in his arms.]
  • Flapjack: Candy bowl!
  • [K'nuckles grabs a bowl off a pedestal, dumps the candy into Flapjack's heap of furniture, and throws the bowl away to shatter.]
  • Flapjack: Candy painting!
  • [K'nuckles takes a painting off the wall and adds it to the heap.]
  • Flapjack: Candy Charles!
  • [K'nuckles lifts Charles and dunks him headfirst into the heap. Charles emits a quavering yelp.]
  • Flapjack: Candy front door?!
  • K'nuckles: Ooh, yeah! Biggest chunk'a chocolate I ever seen.
  • [K'nuckles lifts a large chocolate door off its hinges, revealing a very tall, fancy, angry man cast in shadow. This is Lord Nickelbottoms.]
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: What goes on here?
  • K'nuckles: We're grabbin' all the loot we can, buddy! This whole house is made of candy.
  • Lord Nickelbottom: I know. [roaring] I built it! I am Lord Nickelbottoms, and what are your names?
  • Flapjack: [gulps] I-I'm Master Flapjack, your lordship.
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: [lifting his hat, pacified] Well, a good day to you, young master. And your name, sir?
  • K'nuckles: I'm Captain K'nuckles.
  • [A beat.]
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: [shouting] How dare you insult me in my own home!
  • K'nuckles: [sidelong to Flapjack] What'd I do?
  • Flapjack: [whispering back] You forgot to say "your lordship."
  • [Lord Nickelbottoms slaps K'nuckles across the nose.]
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: I demand satisfaction!
  • [We cut to the lawn outside the palace. A steaming Lord Nickelbottoms stands opposite Flapjack, Charles, and K'nuckles.]
  • Flapjack: He looks mad, Cap'n.
  • [Charles brings a wooden box to K'nuckles.]
  • Charles: Your honor has been challenged, Captain. What will you defend it with?
  • [Charles opens the box, revealing a sword, a dagger, and a candy cane inside.]
  • K'nuckles: Ooh, candy!
  • [K'nuckles takes the candy cane. Charles promptly snatches it away.]
  • K'nuckles: Huh?
  • Charles: The captain has chosen the candy cane.
  • [Charles uses the candy cane to open a larger wooden chest. He takes out a spear-sized candy cane and gives it to K'nuckles. Lord Nickelbottoms slashes a similar candy cane from side to side in the air.]
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: Go on with it!
  • Charles: En garde.
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: [thrusting the candy cane forward] Hah!
  • [By the time we get a look at him again, K'nuckles has already eaten his candy cane. He licks his fingers, then passes out, snoring.]
  • Charles: We have a draw.
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: Yes, a draw! But first, I'm going to destroy him!
  • [Flapjack interferes, holding Lord Nickelbottoms by the arm.]
  • Flapjack: Wait, you can't do this! You're a gentleman.
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: I'm no gentleman.
  • [Lord Nickelbottoms rips off his shirt, revealing several tattoos: a snake, a heart, a dagger, a set of crosshairs, an empty banner, and a banner with something resembling a coin.]
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: I am an adventurer!
  • Heroic Choir: ♫ Adventurer!
  • Flapjack: Well, I'm an adventurer, too.
  • [Flapjack throws down his wig, his shirt, and his pants. Lord Nickelbottoms slices each of these in half with a shout, then advances on Flapjack. Down to his underwear, Flapjack holds up his bottle cap. Lord Nickelbottoms relaxes at the sight of it.]
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: Eh? A bottle cap. [wistfully] I had a bottle cap when I was a boy. But I lost it playing in the Stormalong Wishing Well.
  • Flapjack: Well, well, well! That's where I found this one.
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: May I?
  • [Lord Nickelbottoms takes the bottle cap. It matches one of his tattoos.]
  • Lord Nickelbottoms: It is my bottle cap! Oh, I have found you at last! [tearfully] I've cheated my way to several fortunes, but I've never been happy since I lost my bottle cap. I'll give you anything for it.
  • Flapjack: Anything?
  • [We cut away to the docks, where Flapjack sits beside a snoring K'nuckles. K'nuckles wakes up with a start.]
  • K'nuckles: Huh? Hey, did — did I win?
  • Flapjack: Everyone wins when you steal from the rich and give to the... [mumbling] hmmmm!
  • [The camera pans along the dock. Reveal: All the people of Stormalong, embracing and gnawing on various articles of furniture from the Nickelbottoms' house. K'nuckles is aghast.]
  • Flapjack: Our life together as adventurers is so sweet, we don't even need candy — right, Cap'n?
  • K'nuckles: Aah! [shouts, then groans and passes out]
  • Flapjack: Cap'n?
  • [We return to the wishing well. Lord Nickelbottoms plays happily, oblivious to the muck splashing onto Lady Nickelbottoms. Charles stands just beside her.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: More powder, Charles.
  • [Charles applies powder over the muck. Lord Nickelbottoms promptly splashes on some more from offscreen.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: More powder.
  • [Charles applies powder once again. By now, Lady Nickelbottoms has become a grotesquely pale, slimy heap. A fresh splash of muck lands on her face — the only part of her that wasn't completely obscured.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Powder.
  • [We cut to black.]
  • Lady Nickelbottoms: Powder.
  • [End episode on a dark wooden-textured card with jelly bean lettering: "The End."]
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