Something's a Miss (transcript)

This article is a transcript of the The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack episode "Something's a Miss," which aired on June 11, 2009.

[We open on Flapjack, pressed up against the large window of a chateaux dining room. He's watching K'nuckles, who sits contentedly inside.]
Server: I'm sorry, sir. You can't sit there.
K'nuckles: Why not?
[The camera zooms out to reveal that K'nuckles is actually huddled in a bowl of soup on a small dinner table. Lady Nickelbottoms (the richest lady in Stormalong) sits at the table with her spoon raised.]
Lady Nickelbottoms: You're sitting in my vichyssoise.
K'nuckles: It's a free country.
Server: I'll have to ask you to leave.
K'nuckles: You'll have to carry me out, 'cause I'm not movin'.
[Gasps and screams resound throughout the room. Flapjack's smile widens.]
Diner: Get out of here! No pirates allowed!
[K'nuckles is taken outside, still seated in the bowl of soup. Flapjack joins him. They laugh together.]
K'nuckles: Did you see that?
Flapjack: Boy, did I! Watch this.
[Flapjack turns towards the chateaux door, but K'nuckles grabs him by the arm mid-step.]
K'nuckles: Hold it! This is a little out of your league. Follow me.
[We transition to the docks, where Flapjack and K'nuckles approach a small clubhouse. The clubhouse is painted pink and decorated with flowers.]
K'nuckles: This is more your size.
Flapjack: [reading a sign] "Stormalong Girls' Club — girls only!"
[He starts to walk towards the door. K'nuckles stops him again.]
K'nuckles: Me first.
[We cut to the inside of the clubhouse, where two little girls share a pot of tea. One of them holds her doll up in front of her.]
Little Girl #1: More tea?
Little Girl #2: [as her doll] I've had sufficient, thank you.
[K'nuckles opens the door and pokes his head inside.]
K'nuckles: Can I have some?
[Both girls scream.]
Little Girl #1: Get out! No boys allowed. Get out of here!
[K'nuckles withdraws from the clubhouse, laughing. Flapjack is laughing, too.]
K'nuckles: Did you hear that?
Flapjack: Girls. [chuckles] Watch this.
[Flapjack opens the door to the clubhouse and steps in.]
Flapjack: Hi, ladies.
[He stands at the threshold, open-mouthed, expectant.]
Little Girl #1: Hi.
Little Girl #2: Ooh, please come in.
Little Girl #1: And close the door. [whispering] There's a weird guy out there.
[Flapjack closes the door behind him. His face hasn't changed. A moment passes. No one moves.]
Little Girl #1: Did you just move here?
Little Girl #2: We know all the little girls in Stormalong.
[Flapjack gapes, frozen with horror. K'nuckles wears the same expression outside.]
K'nuckles: [thinking] They think he's a girl!
Flapjack: [thinking] They think I'm a girl?!
[Flapjack backs away, closes the door, and turns around, still agape. K'nuckles bursts out laughing.]
Flapjack: [disheartened] They think I'm a girl.
K'nuckles: Ah, who cares what those two girls think? [laughs harder]
[A fisherman appears.]
Fisherman: Hey! Stop laughing at that girl. [points at Flapjack]
K'nuckles: ... Who cares what those two girls and that one guy think?
[A gentleman appears.]
Gentleman: Excuse me, your daughter looks healthy. Would you be interested in an arranged marriage... with my son?
[The gentleman's son walks out from behind his father. He coughs weakly. Flapjack turns and grips K'nuckles's shoulders.]
Flapjack: [softly] Help me, K'nuckles.
[We transition to another part of the docks, some time later.]
K'nuckles: [laughing] They all think you're a girl. ♫ And you're a boy. ♫ [laughs again, sits] Hmm-hmm. Hmm. The way you walked into the girls' clubhouse — recreate that for me.
[Flapjack hesitates.]
K'nuckles: There are no wrong answers here, boy. Let's just see what you did.
[After a little more hesitation, Flapjack steps forward.]
Flapjack: Hi, ladies —
K'nuckles: Stop, stop, stop. I've seen enough. You walk like a girl.
Flapjack: [gasps]
K'nuckles: But not to worry! For I will teach you how to walk like a man. Observe.
[K'nuckles adjusts his belt, growls briefly, and saunters down the dock. He looks very tough. Some distance away, he stops and turns back to Flapjack.]
K'nuckles: Okay, Flap, now it's your turn.
Flapjack: Okay!
[Flapjack takes a cautious step forward, looking up and down. He manages another step and a half, then breaks into a girly, frolicking skip.]
K'nuckles: No, no, no! Walk like a man.
[Flapjack stops and imitates K'nuckles as best he can — leaning back, hands on his hips, striding slowly forward. He reaches K'nuckles and stops.]
K'nuckles: Uh-huh, uh-huh. All right. Walk like that for the rest of your life. Now, about your appearance.
[K'nuckles leans closer and musses Flapjack's hair. Flapjack giggles.]
K'nuckles: Hmm. Mm-hmm, hmm.
[He turns Flapjack's hat inside out, spins his scarf around, and pats some dirt onto his face.]
Flapjack: Where'd you get that mud from, Cap'n?
K'nuckles: Never you mind! All right. Let's see how we did. Hey, you!
[A sailor stands with two of his mates further up the dock. This is Thomas. He turns his head.]
Thomas: What?
K'nuckles: C'mere! Gotta ask you something.
Thomas: Excuse me for a second, fellas. [joins Flapjack and K'nuckles] Yeah?
K'nuckles: Okay, Flap. Show him what'cha got.
[Flapjack saunters around in a circle, takes a few steps back and forth, and halts. He and Thomas stare at each other. Flapjack adjusts his scarf and straightens up.]
K'nuckles: Well?
Thomas: Well, what?
K'nuckles: Is this a boy or a girl?
Thomas: Oh. Uh... a boy?
Flapjack: A boy! He thinks I'm a boy! He thinks I'm a boy, he thinks I'm a boy, he thinks I'm a boy!
Thomas: [to K'nuckles] Hey! You dressed your little girl like a boy! Why'd you dress your little girl like a boy?! [raises his fists]
[The other sailors call out to Thomas.]
Sailor #1: Thomas!
Sailor #2: Hey, Thomas!
Sailor #1: Forget about it!
Sailor #2: It's not worth it!
Sailor #1: Come back!
Sailor #2: Come on!
[Without lowering his fists, Thomas backs away and returns to his mates.]
Flapjack: It's my voice. I have a little girl's voice. [just above a whisper] I have a little girl's voice.
K'nuckles: Uh, now that you mention it...
[Flapjack clings to K'nuckles's side. K'nuckles scratches his face, then slaps away Flapjack's hands.]
K'nuckles: But, uh, changing your voice? That's impossible. Your voice is part of your body.
Flapjack: Hmph.
[We cut over to Dr. Barber, ringing a bell in front of his shop.]
Dr. Barber: Surgery... change your body with... surgery.
K'nuckles: Nope. You just can't change your body. [suddenly] Hey! My legs are on backwards!
[K'nuckles plops onto the dock and removes his wooden legs, preparing to adjust them. Flapjack walks away, towards Dr. Barber's shop.]
Flapjack: I'll see you later, Cap'n.
[We transition to the inside of Dr. Barber's shop, where Flapjack sits in front of a tray of surgical implements. Dr. Barber examines one, then puts it down.]
Dr. Barber: Hmm, hmm-hmm-hmm, uh, um... Hmm. Yes. Surgery. Oh, I haven't used this in a while.
[Dr. Barber plays with a scary-looking contraption. Flapjack observes, apprehensive.]
Flapjack: Dr. Barber?
Dr. Barber: Hmm?
Flapjack: Is surgery... dangerous?
Dr. Barber: Hmm. Sometimes. But only if your surgeon is unprepared when something goes wrong.
[Dr. Barber accidentally tips over the tray. The tools clatter to the floor. He sweats and bounces in place, emitting various "hmm"s, "uh"s, and "ah"s of distress. Flapjack exits the shop, slumped over.]
Flapjack: I hate my voice!
Man With A Little Girl's Voice: I like your voice.
[The camera pans over to reveal the source of the unseen voice, which sounds distinctly feminine. Said source appears to be a very large, hairy, beefy man. This is the Man With A Little Girl's Voice.]
Flapjack: ... Didn't catch that, friend.
Man With A Little Girl's Voice: I... like... your voice!
[Flapjack stares up at this inspiring figure, awestruck.]
Flapjack: Wow. [chuckles]
[Cue a short musical montage. The Man With A Little Girl's Voice strides down the street with Flapjack following happily behind him. Flapjack wears a big, beaming smile.]
Singer: ♫ He's a man with a little girl's voice ♫
[The Man With A Little Girl's Voice lifts an entire ship up and down by the bowsprit. Flapjack's head bobs up and down as he watches. His expression hasn't changed.]
Singer: ♫ Yes, he's a man with a little girl's voice ♫
[The Man With A Little Girl's Voice does pushups in a handstand. Stormalong moves up and down in the water beneath him. Flapjack watches with his hands on his hips. His expression still hasn't changed.]
Singer: ♫ Well, he's strong, and he's tough, and he's mean and he's rough ♫
[The Man With A Little Girl's Voice contemplates a game of chess, then picks up his opponent and slams him repeatedly into the chess board. Flapjack sits on a nearby barrel with his chin in his hands, once again nodding up and down in time with the action.]
Singer: ♫ He's a man, he's a man, he's a man with a little girl's... ♫
[The Man With A Little Girl's Voice throws his opponent offscreen, then jumps up in slow motion, overjoyed, arms outspread.]
Singer: ♫ ...voi-oi-oice! ♫
[End musical montage.]
Flapjack: Boy! I guess it is okay for a man to have a little girl's voice.
(Wo)Man With A Little Girl's Voice: I'm not a man. Ugh. Darn thing's always falling off.
[She fishes around in her shirt, pulls out a braided wig, and fits it over her head. Standing beside her is (what appears to be) a little girl.]
Woman With A Little Girl's Voice: Time to go home, Cindy.
Cindy: [low, masculine voice] Okay, Mom. Come on, Baxter.
[A bulldog walks up to Cindy and meows. Flapjack's face is twisted into an open-mouthed frown of absolute bafflement.]
[We transition to the inside of the Candy Barrel, where K'nuckles sits at the bar with a mug of candy and converses with Peppermint Larry.]
K'nuckles: I mean, I think he's a boy. That's what I was led to believe.
[Flapjack enters and comes up next to K'nuckles.]
K'nuckles: Flapjack!
[Flapjack carries a small chalkboard. He scrawls something down and shows it to K'nuckles.]
K'nuckles: I can't read your scribbles.
[Flapjack erases the board, then rewrites the message, more slowly this time. He shows it to K'nuckles again.]
K'nuckles: Uh, Flapjack... I can't read.
[Flapjack sighs. A sea captain sits nearby.]
Sea Captain: I can read. Allow me.
[Flapjack hands his board to the sea captain, who reads Flapjack's message out loud. While reading, the sea captain's voice is pitched unnaturally high.]
Sea Captain: [reading] "Dear K'nuckles. I hate my voice." [normal voice] Oh, dear. [reading] "And I'll never talk again. Love, Flapples."
Flapjack: Why'd you have to read it like that?!
Sea Captain: That's how you wrote it, young lady.
[The Sea Captain turns the board around, revealing that the message is written in loopy cursive. It's also decorated with flowers, hearts, peace signs, and smiley faces. Flapjack makes a face and turns to leave.]
K'nuckles: Flap! Where you going?
Flapjack: [voice breaking] To get dangerous surgery!
K'nuckles: Well, I think that's a bad idea.
Flapjack: [pointing at his throat] Well, I can't go on like this.
K'nuckles: Well, I might have to tell Bubbie.
Flapjack: Well, why don't you, then?!
[Flapjack storms out.]
K'nuckles: Well, I might.
[K'nuckles starts to leave, then runs back and downs the rest of his candy. Once again, he starts to leave — only to return and knock on the bar for another round.]
[We transition to nighttime, where Bubbie floats by the docks. K'nuckles ambles into her mouth, covered in drool and stubble. He belches.]
Bubbie: K'nuckles?
K'nuckles: Hmm?
Bubbie: Where's Flapjack?
K'nuckles: Right. He went to Dr. Barber's for surgery.
Bubbie: Surgery?!
K'nuckles: No, wait. It was a certain kind of surgery.
Bubbie: Emergency surgery?
K'nuckles: No...
Bubbie: Necessary surgery?
K'nuckles: No.
Bubbie: Recommended surgery?
K'nuckles: No... Oh, yeah! Dangerous surgery, to fix his voice.
Bubbie: His voice?! That child has the voice of a hundred angel kisses. He's a perfect little peach basket, and you let him have surgery?!
K'nuckles: Relax! The man's a doctor — or... barber. [beat] Oh, boy.
[He turns, leaves Bubbie's mouth, and walks down the dock. Bubbie calls after him, shaking a flipper.]
Bubbie: Well, you better hope you're not too late, or you're gonna need surgery!
[We cut to the shop as K'nuckles bursts in, frantic. Dr. Barber is sweeping the floor.]
K'nuckles: Doc, Doc! Tell me it's not too late.
Dr. Barber: It's not too late.
K'nuckles: Phew.
Dr. Barber: For what?
K'nuckles: Flapjack's dangerous surgery.
Dr. Barber: Oh. Well... then, yes, you're very late.
K'nuckles: Ohh... [under his breath] The whale's gonna kill me...
Dr. Barber: Not to worry, Captain. The patient is recovering nicely. See?
[Dr. Barber opens up a door, revealing a skeleton with Flapjack's proportions. K'nuckles jumps, horrified.]
K'nuckles: Aah!
Dr. Barber: Uh-oh. Wrong door.
[Dr. Barber walks over to another door, just beside the first. He swings it open, revealing an intact Flapjack with bandages around his neck.]
Dr. Barber: Here we are.
Revelatory Choir: ♫ The real Flapjack! ♫
[Flapjack walks up to K'nuckles.]
K'nuckles: Flapjack! Are you okay? Say somethin'.
Dr. Barber: Yes. Your vocal cords have healed by now. Say something.
[Flapjack inhales deeply, produces a glass of water, and drinks it. He smacks his lips, then inhales again.]
Flapjack: [girl voice] At last, I sound like a boy!
[He very much does not. Flapjack's voice is higher than ever. He looks down at his bandaged throat.]
Flapjack: [girl voice] Hey... hey!! [to Dr. Barber] What did you do to my voice?!
Dr. Barber: You didn't like your little boy voice, so I gave you a little girl's voice.
Flapjack: [girl voice] But why would I want — ... Hey. You knew I was a boy?
[Dr. Barber stares blankly.]
Dr. Barber: ... I'm a doctor.
Flapjack: [girl voice] Captain K'nuckles, do you know what this means?
K'nuckles: You're a boy?
Flapjack: [girl voice] I'm a boy!
K'nuckles: You should change your voice.
Flapjack: [girl voice] Hmm. What do you say, Doc Barber? Can you give me my old voice back?
[Dr. Barber slowly raises up the scary-looking contraption seen earlier.]
[We fade to black, then return with Flapjack's perspective as he opens his eyes. He lies in bed with a crowd gathered around him.]
Dr. Barber: Flapjack? How're you feeling?
Flapjack: [normal voice, hesitant] Okay.
[The crowd murmurs in approval.]
Thomas: It's a boy.
Sea Captain: Bravest boy I've ever seen.
Woman With A Little Girl's Voice: Aww! [loses her wig, scoffs]
Little Girl #1: And on behalf of the Stormalong Girls' Club...
Little Girl #2: [as her doll] He's officially not allowed.
K'nuckles: Thanks, Doc. Say, uh... aren't you missin' a sideburn?
[Dr. Barber turns to the side. His right sideburn is indeed missing.]
Dr. Barber: Hmm... Yes, well, I thought someone else could use it, hmm?
[Flapjack turns towards the camera, sporting a mustache. It bears a suspect resemblance to Dr. Barber's sideburns.]
Flapjack: [deep voice] Goodbye.
[End episode on a dark wooden-texted card with a square chalkboard in the center. Flowers, hearts, and peace signs surround cursive lettering: "The End."]