Shave and a Haircut... Two Friends! (transcript)

This article is a transcript of the The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack episode "Shave and a Haircut... Two Friends!," which aired on June 26, 2008.

[We open on Bubbie floating at sea near the docks and some ships. Flapjack lies under a blanket on Bubbie's tongue while K'nuckles approaches with a weathered sheet of paper.]
K'nuckles: Flapjack! Hey, Flapjack! Where are you, boy? [spots Flapjack] Oh, there y'are, sleepin' on the whale's tongue. I found something, boy. I think it's a map to Candied Island. It's got an "X" and the word "treasure" — but that's all I can tell. I never learnt to read.
Flapjack: I can read!
K'nuckles: I knew you'd come in handy one of these days. Read it, boy! Read it, and tomorrow we'll be eatin' candy!
Flapjack: All right. Let's see...
[We see from Flapjack's perspective as he takes the map and begins to examine it — only for the screen to blur and fade to black. Flapjack holds the map over his face.]
Flapjack: Oh, no!
K'nuckles: What is it, Flapjack? Is it Candied Island?
Flapjack: No, it's — I'm blind!
K'nuckles: What?! Lemme see.
Flapjack: [hurriedly turning away] No, no! I don't want you to catch my blindness.
K'nuckles: Well, gee, kid, don't worry about me. We need to worry about who's gonna read that map.
Bubbie: [piping up] Will you take that boy to the doctor?! He's blind!
[K'nuckles leads Flapjack down the dock, holding him by the elbow as Flapjack continues covering his face.]
K'nuckles: Come on, Flapjack. The doctor'll know what to do. [under his breath] Unless he doesn't.
Flapjack: It must be difficult for the dockspeople to see a little boy suffering from sudden blindness. Describe their faces to me, friend. Be my eyes.
K'nuckles: Uhh...
[K'nuckles pauses for a moment. A pair of sailors snore nearby, passed out cold.]
K'nuckles: ... They look pretty sad.
[He resumes leading on.]
Flapjack: [to no one in particular] Don't worry, gents! It's only temporary.
K'nuckles: Well, we don't know that until we get to the doctor, do we?
[K'nuckles and Flapjack enter a doctor's office. The door clatters against a skeleton hanging on the wall beside it.]
K'nuckles: Doc, Doc? Where are you, Doc? ... Oh, there y'are, operating on that pirate.
[The doctor is a rather strange-looking man, bald with sparse sideburns and a mustache. He wears a physician's head mirror and holds a chainsaw in one hand. He leaves his patient and goes to assist Flapjack and K'nuckles.]
K'nuckles: Young Flapjack here has a touch of blindness. [chuckling] He thinks it's temporary.
Doctor: Blindness, eh? Mm. Better fetch my examining tool.
[The doctor walks away and opens a cabinet drawer. He steps into the drawer — which, as it turns out, is empty — and takes a harpoon mounted on the wall. He then turns around and walks halfway back towards K'nuckles and Flapjack, whistling. K'nuckles emits some apprehensive noises and bites his nails, teeth chattering.]
Doctor: All right. Step over here, young Flapjack.
[He waves Flapjack over. Flapjack complies, stopping just in front of him.]
Doctor: That's right, right over the drain. Now remove the paper, please.
[Flapjack does as he's told. The doctor starts, stares, and looks at K'nuckles, smiling.]
Doctor: Why, Captain K'nuckles, young Flapjack isn't blind. He just needs a haircut.
[Flapjack turns around towards the camera. We now see that his bangs have grown over his eyes, hiding them completely.]
Flapjack: Hooray!
K'nuckles: A haircut? Well, how much does that cost?
Doctor: I recommend the barber next door. He's got reasonable prices. And, uh, a handsome man, too.
[K'nuckles leads Flapjack out of the doctor's office. Outside, we see that it's only the left half of the building, with another door placed symmetrically on the right. A green arrow sign points towards the left door and reads "Doctor," while a red one points towards the right door and reads "Barber." K'nuckles and Flapjack step into the barber shop, which looks much the same as the doctor's office — right down to the skeleton beside the door, although this skeleton does wear a wig.]
K'nuckles: Hello? Barber! Barber! Where are you, barber?
[At the opposite end of the barber shop (past a haircutting setup of chairs, mirrors, and countertops) is a doorless entryway. The doctor from next door pokes his head through the entryway and waves.]
Doctor: Over here, fellas.
[The doctor takes a few steps closer and stops beside one of the chairs, beginning to gesture at it in invitation. He stops mid-motion.]
Doctor: Oop.
[He quickly switches his physician's head mirror for a barber's hat. We learn now that this is not merely a doctor, but also a barber — Dr. Barber. K'nuckles blinks, then turns to Flapjack.]
K'nuckles: All right, up in the chair, Flap. The sooner we trim those bangs, the sooner we'll be eating delicious candy.
[Flapjack makes his way towards the seat as Dr. Barber dusts it off.]
Dr. Barber: Delicious candy? Mmm. And pray, why is that, good sir?
Flapjack: [climbing into the chair] Because we found a map to Candied Island! See?
[Flapjack begins to hold up the map. Dr. Barber's eyes fly wide with interest. K'nuckles rapidly snatches the map away and hides it behind his back, chuckling nervously.]
K'nuckles: It's not a map to Candied Island. It's a map to, uh, uh, uh — uh, Poison Island.
Dr. Barber: Poison Island. Hmm. [mumbling to himself as he walks away] No, thank you. I — I don't like poison.
K'nuckles: [quietly, to Flapjack] Let's keep this Candied Island map between you and me, okay, Flapjack? [looking pointedly at Dr. Barber] Some people are, uh, untrustworthy.
Flapjack: Can we trust him to give me a good haircut?
Dr. Barber: Captain K'nuckles. [dusting off another seat, then gesturing] Why don't you drop anchor in this chair over here, hmm? Why stand when you could sit, that's what I always say.
K'nuckles: [flopping into the chair] Yeah? What else do you say?
[Dr. Barber abruptly swivels the seat around. He puts his hands on K'nuckles's shoulders and briefly massages them, grinning wickedly.]
Dr. Barber: [menacing] I say you could use a hot towel treatment. [walks away]
K'nuckles: A hot towel treatment?
Dr. Barber: Free of charge, of, uh — of course, of course, uh... heh, for both gentlemen. [menacing, grinning to himself] Yes.
[K'nuckles blinks again. We hear a "ding!" from some sort of warming device, and Dr. Barber uses a long hook to withdraw steaming towels from within. He approaches Flapjack and K'nuckles.]
Dr. Barber: Now, this may feel a little hot at first, like a — like a hot towel on your face.
[One of the towels begins to touch K'nuckles's forehead, hissing. K'nuckles flinches, and the towel withdraws.]
K'nuckles: Ow!
Dr. Barber: Sorry.
[Dr. Barber applies the towel more carefully. It completely covers K'nuckles's face.]
K'nuckles: Ahh. [muffled] Now, that's more like it. Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch, huh, Flapjack?
[Dr. Barber applies a hot towel to Flapjack's face as well.]
Flapjack: [muffled, sleepy-sounding] Adventure.
Dr. Barber: You gentlemen try and relax... [whispering] And I'll try not to steal from you.
[Dr. Barber reaches surreptitiously into K'nuckles's pocket and takes out the map.]
K'nuckles: [muffled] Uhh — hey, Flapjack, did you say somethin'?
Flapjack: [muffled] Adventure?
[Dr. Barber absconds quickly with the map — followed by a trio of previously unseen floor sweepers, who sing a capella in a strangely slow, ominous fashion as they exit. K'nuckles and Flapjack fall asleep in their chairs, snoring, as the door slams shut.]
[Card: "Several hours later" ...]
[K'nuckles and Flapjack are still asleep in their seats. K'nuckles starts awake, throwing off the hot towel.]
K'nuckles: Huh? Huh? Hey, what's goin' on? ... Ohh, yeah. [fondly] Hot towel treatment.
[He sits up straight. His face is pink and wrinkly.]
K'nuckles: Hey, Flap, how long we been out? [looking around] And where's the barber?
Flapjack: Huh?
[Flapjack starts awake as well, throwing off his own hot towel. His face is also wrinkled, and his hair still hasn't been cut. Upon seeing him, K'nuckles starts screaming, joined shortly by Flapjack. The volume is enough to shake the building.]
[We cut rapidly to K'nuckles and Flapjack meeting Bubbie at the docks.]
K'nuckles: Bubbie! Bubbie, something terrible has happened.
Bubbie: Oh, no! Flapjack's still blind!
K'nuckles: Huh? No, no, no, he's fine — just needs a haircut. But that barber just gave us the slip, and he took my map! [shakes his fist]
Bubbie: Well, I saw the barber take off in his old-timey old paddleboat — him and his floor sweepers.
K'nuckles: They're headed for Candied Island!
[He simmers angrily. The ensuing steam propels him onto Bubbie's back.]
K'nuckles: [pointing] Full steam ahead!
[We cut to Bubbie swimming at top speed through the waves. K'nuckles peers through a spyglass. Flapjack stands behind him.]
K'nuckles: Nothin'. [puts away his spyglass] There's no sign'a that barber, and we've been searchin' for hours.
Flapjack: But it's only been twenty minutes.
K'nuckles: [hanging his head] I never learnt to tell time, neither.
[He turns away, sniffles, and wipes away tears while Flapjack smiles blithely behind him.]
K'nuckles: [thinking] I hope the boy don't think less'a me for crying. [soft internal blubbering]
Flapjack: I don't!
[K'nuckles starts, turns, and leans towards Flapjack, squinting suspiciously.]
K'nuckles: How'd you know what I was thinking?
Flapjack: I can hear your brains. I can hear lots of things lately.
K'nuckles: Like what?
Flapjack: Like... singing.
K'nuckles: Singing, y'say?
[K'nuckles stretches Flapjack's ear open. We hear the sound of slow, ominous a capella from the barbershop sweepers, along with slight sonar pinging.]
K'nuckles: It's the barber and his sweepers! You're so blind, you've developed superhuman hearing. Where's that singing coming from?
[We see from inside of Flapjack's ear as he holds up a hand and swivels from side to side. From one direction, someone plays a banjo. From another, classical music plays. From another still, there is polka music. Finally, Flapjack pinpoints the barbershop sweepers. We zoom into a paddle wheel boat decorated with red-and-white stripes. Dr. Barber stands at the helm while his sweepers row. Flapjack gasps and points. Bubbie sneaks closer, and a periscope pokes up out of her blowhole, allowing K'nuckles to spy on the boat.]
K'nuckles: They're sittin' ducks. I can't believe I was —
[He gasps. On the boat, Dr. Barber is using his hook to lift a hot towel out of a barrel of boiling water. K'nuckles puts away the periscope, slouching sadly.]
K'nuckles: The hot towel treatment. He's got us beat.
Flapjack: [cheerfully] You'll come up with something. You're Captain K'nuckles!
K'nuckles: Now, who told you that?
Flapjack: You did.
K'nuckles: [chuckling nervously] So I did, so I did. Heh, heh, heh. Well, here goes. [turns away, begins mumbling indistinctly to himself]
Flapjack: Captain K'nuckles?
K'nuckles: Quiet, boy, I'm thinkin'.
Flapjack: Then why is your brain so quiet?
Bubbie: [piping up] 'Cause he doesn't have one.
K'nuckles: [to Bubbie] Would you rather wait for the boy to think of something?
Flapjack: I already thought of something!
[We cut over to Dr. Barber's boat.]
Sweepers: ♫ He'll cut your hair and steal your map and beat you to the treasure, for he's a thieving barber... ♫
Dr. Barber: ♫ And to do so is my — hmm, hmm — pleasure ♫
Sweepers: ♫ To do so is his pleasure ♫
[Dr. Barber takes a bow, lifting his hat.]
Sweepers: ♫ He loves his job, he really does ♫
Bubbie: [in the distance] Oh, boys?
[We zoom out to find Bubbie wearing an enormous, messy wig.]
Bubbie: I'm looking for a big, strong barber. I scoured the globe, and no one'll cut my hair. I guess it's just too much to handle.
[She fluffs her wig. A panning close-up reveals all manner of junk and several creatures half-buried inside. A live dolphin jumps out and dances across the wig, only to be bitten by a shark, which is in turn grabbed and plunged into the wig by an octopus tentacle. Dr. Barber and his sweepers gasp in unison at the sight.]
Sweeper #1: ♫ Look at those split ends ♫
Sweeper #2: ♫ The flaky scalp ♫
Sweeper #3: ♫ Saltwater damage ♫
[Dr. Barber's eyes pop out of his head.]
Dr. Barber: Madam, I accept your challenge. [lifts and drops the map] The treasure can wait.
[He raises a large knife and hops down into a simple paddleboat. His sweepers follow shortly, singing ominously while they row.]
Dr. Barber: [to his sweepers] Bring us right alongside her.
[Meanwhile, K'nuckles and Flapjack jump up onto Dr. Barber's boat, right next to the barrel of hot towels.]
Flapjack: That'll keep 'em busy!
[Over by Bubbie...]
Dr. Barber: Get those curlers ready, boys.
[Each of the sweepers lifts a curler.]
Dr. Barber: Now, miss, you may feel a slight... tug, mm?
[Bubbie glances over at K'nuckles on the boat. He gives her a thumbs up. Bubbie winks, then raises her head, unsettling Dr. Barber as he starts to cut her hair.]
Bubbie: Oh, that tickles.
[She laughs and breaches up out of the water.]
Sweepers: ♫ Uh-oh — ♫
[Bubbie crashes back into the sea, directly on top of the sweepers' paddleboat. She jumps up once again. All the while, Dr. Barber slashes with his knife at a clump of hair, the tentacle, and the live shark. The shark lunges. Bubbie slams back into the water once again.]
Dr. Barber: Stop, stop, stop, stop. Hold still.
[Over on Dr. Barber's boat...]
K'nuckles: Good plan, Flap. Quickly, now. These towels will never hurt anyone again.
[K'nuckles and Flapjack tip over the barrel of hot towels, spilling its contents into the sea. Several fish immediately float to the surface, dead. K'nuckles and Flapjack gasp in unison. K'nuckles blinks, then glances sidelong. He spots the map sitting on the deck very close by.]
K'nuckles: Flap! The map! [laughs]
[He dives towards the map, only for an arm to reach in from offscreen and pull it away. K'nuckles lands facedown with an "oof!" and looks up. Dr. Barber stands opposite, holding the map.]
Dr. Barber: You almost had me. Hmm.
[We pan over to Bubbie, frowning sadly in the background. An enormous net has been draped over her. The sweepers stand on her back.]
Dr. Barber: But I always carry a hairnet in case a customer needs a perm.
[He raises his knife and chuckles quietly. K'nuckles jumps up, cries out, and lands in Flapjack's arms. The sweepers appear behind Dr. Barber and sing ominously as he advances. K'nuckles and Flapjack start to scream and run in circles. Dr. Barber laughs aloud and swings the knife from side to side. He pauses, and K'nuckles and Flapjack screech to a halt.]
Dr. Barber: [breathes heavily] Now hand over the boy so I can, mmm...
[He is halfway in shadow, eyes bloodshot, one hand resting on the blade of his knife — but suddenly, he drops the knife, now holding an innocuous pair of scissors instead. His face brightens into a smile.]
Dr. Barber: ...give him a haircut!
Sweepers: ♫ 'Cause barbers don't know how to read ♫
K'nuckles: [laughing, giddy] I thought you was gonna kill us! You got a place where I can swab my poop deck?
Dr. Barber & Sweepers: ♫ Oh, no, he did not ♫
[A little while later, K'nuckles sits on a crate, reading what appears to be some sort of magazine. He checks his watch. Over in front of him, Dr. Barber finishes up with Flapjack, who then turns around. Flapjack's haircut is back to normal.]
Flapjack: I can see! How do I look?
K'nuckles: Like an island full of candy. Now read the map!
[K'nuckles hands the map to Flapjack, who immediately start with surprise.]
Flapjack: This isn't a map to Candied Island.
K'nuckles & Dr. Barber: [in unison] What?!
Flapjack: It's a map to the greatest treasure of all...
[He turns the "map" around, revealing its true contents. In the upper left corner, stick figures of Flapjack and K'nuckles hold hands. A dotted line then leads down to an "X" (as in "XOXO") in the lower right corner, followed by a heart and Flapjack's name.]
Flapjack: ... friendship. [pointing, reading] "Dear K'nuckles. I treasure our friendship. Love, Flapjack."
[K'nuckles takes the map and examines it, frowning. Dr. Barber looks on quizzically beside him.]
Flapjack: I made it for you last night while you were sleeping. And the X is a kiss on the cheek.
[He leans in and kisses K'nuckles on the cheek, then giggles. K'nuckles is silent.]
Dr. Barber: In all my years of barbering... [points at Flapjack] That is the weirdest child I have ever seen.
Sweepers: ♫ Ahh... ♫
[The screen begins to go black. As our view of the scene shrinks into a circle around Flapjack, he faces the camera and stops the closing iris from shrinking further.]
Flapjack: Hey, what about Bubbie's hairdo?
Bubbie: Don't worry about me, baby.
[We cut over to Bubbie, who holds a steaming towel in each flipper.]
Bubbie: I gave myself a hot towel treatment.
[A panning close-up reveals that the octopus, shark, dolphin, and more are all peacefully asleep with hot towels on their heads. We fade to black.]
Flapjack: Oh! [hesitant] It looks good.
Sweepers: ♫ The end ♫
[End episode on a murky green card with lettering in strands of hair: "The End."]