K'nuckles is a Filthy Rat (transcript)

This article is a transcript of the The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack episode "K'nuckles is a Filthy Rat".

[We open on a sunny day in Stormalong. Dr. Barber stands in front of his shop, advertising his services. It's not going well.]
Dr. Barber: [to a passerby] Surgery. Get your surgery here. [to another passerby as the first walks by] Haircuts. We also do... haircuts.
[Nobody spares him so much as a look. He sags slightly, downcast — then starts at the sound of Flapjack's voice. He looks hopeful for a moment... only to sour with annoyance when he sees who it is.]
Flapjack: Hi, Dr. Barber! I don't need surgery or a haircut.
Dr. Barber: Hm. Yes? Then what do you need?
Flapjack: Your friendship.
Dr. Barber: For how long?
Flapjack: Until one of us dies!
Dr. Barber: Hmm.
[A beat. Then, Dr. Barber turns away.]
Dr. Barber: I'll pass.
Flapjack: Aw, cannonballs.
Dr. Barber: [shooing Flapjack away] Now, run along, young Flapjack. Your sailor's mouth is bad for business. [to someone offscreen] I say! You look like you could use some surgery.
[He dusts himself off and walks away, leaving Flapjack alone. Flapjack's face falls into a deep, sad frown.]
Flapjack: I just wanted to make a friend, is all.
[That night, Flapjack sits in Bubbie's open mouth, looking down at the sea. It's raining heavily. Thunder rumbles low in the sky.]
Flapjack: Gee, I sure miss Cap'n K'nuckles when he goes away on business.
[He looks up for a moment. We briefly cut away to K'nuckles on a rocky shore somewhere, talking to a pair of seagulls.]
K'nuckles: So I says to the guy, "Oh, yeah?" [laughs] ... So, anyway... I still haven't found that magical genie who turned you two into birds, Mom and Dad — but don't worry, I'm workin' on it.
[K'nuckles takes a bottle of maple syrup out of his pocket.]
K'nuckles: [quieter, chuckling] I'm workin' on it.
[He drinks, glugging loudly. We hear another roll of thunder and return to Flapjack, whose eyes drift back down towards the sea. He spots something — a mangy black rat floating belly-up at the surface. Flapjack gasps out loud.]
Flapjack: Oh, no! Bubbie!
Bubbie: What is it, baby?
Flapjack: Dead rat off the starboard bow. Poor little fella.
[The rat sniffs and chitters weakly, looking up at Flapjack.]
Flapjack: [gasps] He's alive!
[He reaches towards the water, grunting with strain, and plucks up the rat by the tail. He lets the rat dangle just in front of him, frowning.]
Flapjack: Poor little gentleman rat. Probably fell off a ship... and now he's all alone.
[The rat coughs and squeaks.]
Flapjack: Bubbie? Is it okay if I nurse him back to health?
Bubbie: Uh... uh —
Flapjack: Thanks, Bubbie!
[He scampers further into Bubbie's mouth, which she closes, lifting a flipper in uncertain confusion.]
Bubbie: Uh...
[Card: "The next day" ...]
Flapjack: ♫ Good morning, Bubbie! ♫
Bubbie: Flapjack. How long have you been up?
[Bubbie's jolted awake. Outside, it's no longer raining, and the day is just beginning. Inside, Flapjack sits on her tongue in front of the rat, whom he's nestled into a soap box that he's turned into a little bed.]
Flapjack: Well, I never went to sleep. I've been keepin' an eye on Little Fleabag.
Bubbie: ... Little Fleabag?
Flapjack: Yeah, that's what I named him! On account'a all his fleas. [chuckles, then sobers] So many fleas... but won't eat any cheese.
[He produces a tiny cube of cheese and offers it to the rat, who simply blinks in response. Flapjack pouts.]
Flapjack: What kind'a rat doesn't eat cheese?
Bubbie: Uh, Flapjack, honey, let's change his name.
Flapjack: [thoughtful] I guess we could name him after the greatest adventurer in the world — Cap'n K'nuckles.
[Suddenly, the rat accepts the cube of cheese and begins nibbling. Flapjack gasps, delighted.]
Flapjack: Bubbie, he's eating!
Bubbie: That's great, baby.
Flapjack: [laughing] Now he's climbing out of his little box!
Bubbie: ... [uncomfortable] Oh...
Flapjack: Now he's running around! [giggles] Now he's sniffin' at your stomach. Boy, he looks hungry.
[Bubbie grimaces.]
Bubbie: Flapjack, why don't you take him for a walk outside?
Flapjack: That's a great idea, Bubbie! Why, with K'nuckles the Second at my side, everyone in Stormalong's gonna want to talk to me.
[We transition to the outer docks of Stormalong. Flapjack strolls along with his rat on a leash. He pauses by Slippery Pete's massage parlor, catching sight of the man himself just outside.]
Flapjack: Salutations, Slippery Pete! Allow me to introduce... [gesturing grandly] K'nuckles the Second!
Slippery Pete: ... All right, kid, keep it movin'.
[The rat growls, eyes glowing red — but Flapjack sounds unperturbed.]
Flapjack: Okay, K'nuckles the Second, you heard the man.
[Flapjack leads the rat a little further and makes a stop at the Candy Barrel. Peppermint Larry stands outside.]
Flapjack: Greetings, Peppermint Larry! What's the good word?
Peppermint Larry: ... Are you here to buy candy?
Flapjack: No, sir! [gesturing] I'm here to introduce you to —
[Peppermint Larry turns his head and waves his fingers, making various "unh-unh" noises and shooing Flapjack away. Once again, the rat snarls, red-eyed.]
Flapjack: Ahh. [sighs] Let's see. Who else can we meet...
[Flapjack glances off to the side, then brightens with a gasp, pointing.]
Flapjack: Hey, look — sailors!
[We cut over to a group of three sailors, conversing idly.]
Sailor #1: So I says to him, "Why don't you batten down the hatches? Y'know, for once?"
[Flapjack approaches with his rat. The sailors turn to look at him.]
Flapjack: Ahoy, brave seafarers! Trading tales of adventure, I see? Perhaps you'd care to hear this gentleman's story of survival! But I warn you... [whispering] It's not for the faint of heart.
[A beat.]
Sailor #2: [to his mates] Remember when children were seen, and not... nerd?
[The sailors share a bout of derisive laughter. Flapjack joins in, chuckling hesitantly. As before, the rat growls, and his eyes redden — but this time, he flicks his tail, shooting a flea at each sailor. The fleas hit their marks with a "pop!" apiece. The sailors fall quiet. A moment passes. Then, the sailors suddenly become grotesquely diseased, covered in boils, with discolored skin and bulging eyes. Flapjack blinks obliviously at them and looks away.]
Flapjack: Hey, there's Handsome Pete. [to the sailors] See you later, friends!
[As Flapjack walks away with his rat, the sailors all break out coughing, scratching their arms.]
Sailor #1: I don't feel so good.
[Cue a brief musical montage as Flapjack strolls once more down the dock.]
Background Singer: ♫ Ohh, trying to be friends, but people are jerks — so I'm gonna put some fleas on you ♫
[Flapjack stops to greet a tough-looking pirate. The pirate glares and threatens him with his sword. Flapjack turns away, unbothered, as the rat flicks his tail at the pirate. The pirate immediately falls ill like the sailors.]
Background Singer: ♫ And the fleas'll have the plague, and they'll make you cough a lot — then you'll be too sick to hurt my feelings anymore ♫
[Flapjack continues to go around town, trying to talk to people and facing rejection every time. The rat infects everyone they encounter. The lyrics fade into humming, nonsensical singing.]
Background Singer: ♫ Baaah, rup-rup-bah, beh-rup-bup-bah, beh-rup-bup-bup-bup-bup... ♫
[The song wraps up, and the day comes to an end. Stormalong is filled with the sound of coughing townsfolk as night falls.]
[Flapjack runs around in circles inside Bubbie's mouth with his rat. He pauses and turns, giggle fading into a smile.]
Flapjack: [to the rat] You're fun.
[The "door" (Bubbie's tooth) swings open and shut as K'nuckles enters.]
K'nuckles: [yawns] I'm exhausted.
Flapjack: Welcome home, Captain K'nuckles!!
[K'nuckles walks right past him.]
Flapjack: Guess what? I have a new friend, and I named him after you!
K'nuckles: Not now, Flappy.
[He sighs tiredly and stops at the other side of Bubbie's mouth, where he promptly falls over on his side and starts to snore. Peaceful lullaby music plays as the rat looks up at Flapjack, as if asking permission. Flapjack smiles, nods, and waves the rat over towards K'nuckles, encouraging. The rat approaches him, investigating, and climbs on top of his side. K'nuckles starts awake and lifts up his head, staring widely. The rat reaches out a paw and honks his nose like a horn.]
K'nuckles: Aaahh!!
Flapjack: Aaahh!!
Bubbie: Aaahh!!
K'nuckles: Get it off'a me!
[The rat scuttles over to Flapjack and takes shelter behind him.]
K'nuckles: Aah!
[K'nuckles runs over to a treasure chest in the corner and quickly rummages through it, finding and withdrawing a large wooden hammer. He raises it up, turns around, and brandishes it. Meanwhile, Flapjack is frantic.]
K'nuckles: Aaaaaah!!
Flapjack: Wait, Captain K'nuckles! My new friend!
K'nuckles: Tell your new friend to get in here and help us smash this rat!
Flapjack: No, no, this is my new friend!
[K'nuckles takes a second to process this. He lets down his arm with the hammer, sounding very wary.]
K'nuckles: What?
Flapjack: He's my new friend, and I won't have you scaring him. [to the rat] It's okay.
[K'nuckles approaches, sans hammer.]
K'nuckles: But, Flapjack, rats are bad luck.
Flapjack: [chuckles] You're just sayin' that 'cause he likes to flick fleas on people he doesn't like.
[Another moment of processing. K'nuckles takes a tactful step back.]
K'nuckles: ... How long's he been doin' that?
Flapjack: All day?
Bubbie: [piping up] Oh, no, baby. Is he the one giving everyone the plague?
[Flapjack hesitates, frowning.]
Flapjack: [to K'nuckles] What's the plague?
[K'nuckles smacks his hand into his face.]
[We transition to Stormalong, where just about everyone in town has caught the plague. A small man sits outside on a crate in front of a smiling Dr. Barber. The man rolls out his tongue, which is covered in warts and hosts his eyes, ears, and nose. Dr. Barber sets a tongue depressor on top of it.]
Dr. Barber: Mmm. Good news, sir. You have the plague.
Plague Victim: ... But why is that good news?
[Dr. Barber pats the man's shoulder.]
Dr. Barber: Because now I can conduct medical experiments. [laughs lowly] Also, you could use a haircut.
Flapjack: [from offscreen] Dr. Barber? Is everyone gonna be okay?
[Dr. Barber turns around. We pull back to reveal Flapjack, K'nuckles, and the rat approaching.]
Dr. Barber: Flapjack, K'nuckles. You're both, uh... healthy.
K'nuckles: Yeah...?
Dr. Barber: Well, perhaps you'd care to assist me in helping the sick.
K'nuckles: Help the sick?! [sticking out his tongue] Bleh.
[K'nuckles looks down at the rat. There's a little "ding!" as he gets an idea, grinning. We hear some more of the humming, nonsensical music from earlier as K'nuckles picks up the rat and rubs him all over his face, even going so far as to lick him. He puts down the rat and fakes a coughing fit, scratching himself.]
K'nuckles: Oh, yeah! [plops himself down] Now I get to be waited on.
[Flapjack and Dr. Barber stare for a moment, unsettled. Then, Dr. Barber addresses Flapjack, pointing at the rat.]
Dr. Barber: Mmm, Flapjack — may I see your little friend there?
Flapjack: [frowning, hesitant] Why?
Dr. Barber: Um... I wish to cut him open.
Flapjack: What?!?
Dr. Barber: Uh, without pain, of course — uh, no pain at all. Why, it'll be just like a — like a haircut.
[Flapjack gasps shrilly.]
Dr. Barber: No. No, I mean, not like a haircut, there'll be a carcass, of course, but — wait.
[Flapjack dashes off with his rat, vanishing in the space of a second. We see now that K'nuckles has fallen sick.]
Dr. Barber: Wait. Oh, uh... oh, dear.
[On the outer docks, Flapjack runs up to Bubbie with the rat in his arms, crying out to her in a panic.]
Flapjack: Bubbie, Bubbie!
Bubbie: What is it, baby?
Flapjack: That mean old Dr. Barber wants to cut K'nuckles the Second open. [softer, puzzled] I think it has something to do with the plague.
Bubbie: Oh, dear, I was afraid of this.
Flapjack: Afraid of what?
Bubbie: Um, baby, we have to talk.
[Card: "One talk later" ...]
[When we return, everyone is still in the same place, and almost nothing about the scene has changed. It's likely that not a lot of time has passed. The only difference is that Flapjack is now sobbing violently.]
Bubbie: Oh, now, now — I'm sorry, Flapjack. I know he's your friend, but he's also a disease-spreading animal. And disease-spreading animals have to be either cut up or sent away.
Flapjack: Sent away where?
Bubbie: To Plague Island. It's where people who have the plague are sent so they don't infect healthy people. But it's very dangerous. You understand?
Flapjack: Yes, Bubbie. I guess there's just one thing left to do.
[He turns and begins to walk offscreen with his rat.]
Bubbie: Oh, I love you, baby.
Flapjack: I love you, too, Bubbie.
[The camera pulls back to reveal that Flapjack has now manifested on a small paddleboat. The rat sits nearby.]
Flapjack: That's why I can't ask you to take me to Plague Island! Don't worry, K'nuckles the Second. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. Plague Island, here we come!
[We hear the sounds of drums, seagulls, birds, and monkeys on Plague Island. Sandy beaches unroll around an inland jungle. We see now the source of the drumbeat — a man kneeling down on the beach in front of a turtle shell, playing it with mallets. Another man approaches from offscreen. Both of them are obviously sick with the plague.]
Island Guy #1: Gosh, Thomas, you're getting awful good at drumming.
Island Guy #2: Oh, thank you, Richard.
[Another man runs out of the trees, overjoyed, calling out.]
Island Guy #3: Boat! [laughs] Boat!
[Richard and Thomas notice as well. They smile.]
Island Guy #1: [gasps] Oh!
[Flapjack drags his paddleboat ashore, smiling broadly. He has his rat sitting on his shoulders. He turns around, hearing voices as the plague victims approach.]
Island Guy #3: [laughing] Welcome! Oh, yes, yes. What news, boy?
Island Guy #2: Yes, have they found a cure?
Island Guy #1: For the plague?
Island Guy #3: Yes, have they?
Island Guy #1: Have they?
Island Guy #2: Yes, have they?
Flapjack: I'm just dropping off my sick rat.
Island Guys: [in unison] Aw.
[They sag with disappointment and walk away as a group. Flapjack lets his rat crawl down onto the sand, smiling at him — a little guiltily.]
Flapjack: Seems like a nice place.
[He frowns and looks away as the drummer resumes playing. The bushes rustle, and a gray rat with short, neat fur emerges, wearing a tiny pink bow. Romantic saxophone music plays. K'nuckles the Second stares openly, eyes popping out like balloons. He slicks back the fur on his head, rubs his front teeth, and chuckles quietly.]
Flapjack: [uncertain] Oh. Uhh...
[K'nuckles II scurries up to the rat with the bow, who smiles in response. Cartoony little hearts appear between them. They walk away together, haloed with a swarm of flies. Flapjack slumps over, crestfallen. One of the plague victims comes up to him.]
Flapjack: ... He forgot to say goodbye.
Island Guy #2: Hey, kid, you really shouldn't be hanging out on Plague Island. It's a little dangerous. [coughs]
Flapjack: But I can't leave K'nuckles the Second. He was my best friend.
Island Guy #2: Well, not your only friend. Look!
[He points. Flapjack glances over his shoulder as an enormous ship pulls up beside his paddleboat. A ramp falls open, and K'nuckles comes out, mustering a smile. Flapjack gasps with delight.]
Flapjack: Captain K'nuckles!
K'nuckles: [holding up a finger] The First! Heh, heh...
Flapjack: What are you doing here?
K'nuckles: Well, Bubbie told us you might be here and that you might get sick, and, well, not to get all sentimental, but... not one of us can live without'cha.
[On top of the ship, a crowd of plague victims peers down at Flapjack, murmuring agreement: "Aye, 'tis true." "Oh, yeah." "Yes." "We miss you." "Come on back, Flapjack."]
Flapjack: Gee! I never knew everyone cared.
[He turns towards Thomas.]
Flapjack: W-would you mind saying goodbye to K'nuckles the Second for me?
Island Guy #2: I think that can be arranged. Now, you folks wouldn't happen to have any food or toilet paper, would y —
[He stops mid-sentence as the ship just completely books it. We hear the sound of screeching tires, despite the boat not apparently having any.]
Island Guy #2: You've gotta be —
[The ship honks its horn twice, cutting him off. Flapjack stands with K'nuckles aboard.]
Flapjack: Wow! No one in Stormalong can live without me. I've never felt so loved.
K'nuckles: Well, I may have misled you there, Flap. See, I meant we literally can't live without you. The doc needs your blood to make an antidote.
Flapjack: Oh, well. It's nice to be needed.
Dr. Barber: Don't you mean... nice to be needled? Hmm?
[Dr. Barber chuckles darkly as he walks in from offscreen, carrying an enormous syringe full of greenish fluid. Dr. Barber has caught the plague himself at this point and looks truly awful. Flapjack catches sight of the syringe and gapes, wide-eyed with apprehension and shock. Then, he makes eye contact with the camera and shrugs helplessly, smiling.]
Flapjack: [chuckling] Adventure.
[Laughter from all. End episode on a wooden-textured card with an unnervingly realistic Flapjack etched on, alongside a speech bubble: "The End."]