How the West was Fun (transcript)

This article is a transcript of the The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack episode "How the West was Fun".

[We open by the seaside docks of Stormalong, where a long yellow banner hangs between the pilings. It reads, "Happy Birthday, Flapjack." Many red balloons float all around it. In the water, beneath the decorations, Bubbie has a wrapped gift box in her flippers. Flapjack sits on Bubbie's tail with his eyes closed and covered.]
Flapjack: Can I open my eyes, Bubbie?
Bubbie: All right, here it comes. Get ready.
Flapjack: I'm pretty excited, Bubbie!
[He kicks his feet back and forth in the water. The present drifts towards him.]
Bubbie: Open your eyes, sweetie.
[He uncovers his eyes, spots the present, gasps aloud, and picks it up.]
Flapjack: Thanks, Bubbie.
Bubbie: Open it up!
[Flapjack tears off the wrapping paper.]
Flapjack: Oh, my goodness. [laughs]
Heavenly Choir: ♫ It's a pencil! ♫
[We get a look inside the box. It is indeed a pencil.]
Flapjack: Oh, Bubbie. What a thoughtful gift.
Bubbie: I'm happy you like it, baby.
[Flapjack takes off a shoe and lifts up his foot, pencil in hand. He draws two eyes, a mouth, and eyebrows on the sole of his foot, making little sound effects as he goes.]
Flapjack: Boop... boop... boo-oop! Wop, wop.
[He wiggles his foot slightly and talks to himself in a lower, flatter voice.]
Flapjack: [as Mr. Foot] Greetings. I'm alive. [normal voice] Hello, Mr. Foot! [as Mr. Foot] Please, Flapjack. My throat is crazy parched. Could I have some water? [normal voice] Of course, friend!
[He laughs and plunges his foot into the sea. A fish with eyelashes swims up to the foot, enamored.]
Flapjack: [as Mr. Foot] Would you like to dance with me?
[The fish and the foot dance together.]
Flapjack: [as Mr. Foot] ♫ La-da-da... ♫ [normal voice] ♫ La-da-di, da-da-do, da-da-da... ♫
[K'nuckles, who was previously asleep on the dock, pipes up from above.]
K'nuckles: Flapjack, knock it off!
Flapjack: [sheepish, pulling his foot out of the water] Oopsie.
Bubbie: K'nuckles! Today is Flapjack's birthday. Now wake up and teach him something adventure-y.
K'nuckles: All right — but only because sailors respect the rituals of birthin'-days.
[He heaves himself upright. Flapjack has manifested just in front of him.]
K'nuckles: [startled] Bah!
[K'nuckles pushes Flapjack away. Flapjack falls back onto the dock with a clatter.]
K'nuckles: Now pay attention. I'll teach you about the, uh...
[He looks down at Flapjack, who has already righted himself and is holding up a compass. Flapjack rattles the compass back and forth, then lifts it up to K'nuckles and shakes it around just in front of his face. K'nuckles snatches it out of his hands.]
K'nuckles: ...the compass.
Flapjack: ♫ There's only perfection when you know your direction! No more wasted rowing 'cause I'm knowing where I'm going...! ♫
[There is a short, awkward pause. Flapjack digs his elbows into K'nuckles's side and hoists himself up. They study the compass together.]
K'nuckles: [points] This part of the compass is called...
Flapjack: [also points] The needle.
[A beat.]
K'nuckles: Then, by turning...
Flapjack: The bezel.
K'nuckles: I set...
Flapjack: The lubber line.
K'nuckles: ... [smacks his lips] Hmm... [continuing] To the heading I want to travel in — north, east, or south.
[We zoom into the compass, where K'nuckles taps each heading (N, E, S) for emphasis as he speaks. Flapjack leans closer and points at a fourth, illegible heading.]
Flapjack: Or the one that's scratched off.
K'nuckles: [recoiling with the compass] We don't talk about that one, boy.
Flapjack: But why?
Bubbie: [in the background] Because he doesn't know what it is, honey-pooh.
K'nuckles: I do too know! We don't talk about... [hushed, into Flapjack's ear] that other direction... [pulling back] 'cause there's nothing out there!
Flapjack: What do you mean?
K'nuckles: I mean the only thing out there is the edge of the world.
Flapjack: I want to go there!
K'nuckles: Fool, boy! We'd never get past the sea monsters! Not even the bravest adventurers would attempt it.
Flapjack: Now I really want to go! [increasingly excited] What's the one place we want to go to, more than anywhere — but we can't ever find it?
K'nuckles: Candied Island?
Flapjack: And what's the one place no one dares to go?
[K'nuckles processes this, then smiles and turns to face the open sea.]
K'nuckles: Boy, we're going... [muttering] hmm-hmm-ward.
[Without further ado, Bubbie embarks from Stormalong with Flapjack and K'nuckles on her back. A brief cry from Flapjack...]
Flapjack: This is the west birthday ever!
[...and the journey begins. As Bubbie swims steadily from right to left, a burning, sinking ship passes in the background, along with a sign that reads, "The West is pretty fun... if you like getting killed." Another sign points in the direction Bubbie is headed, off to the left. This reads, "West is death." Mounted on a buoy shaped like a compass, a skull breathes fire in the same direction. Finally, a nutty, haggard man in a paddleboat pins his forefingers together and points slowly from right to left.]
Westman: Wessssst.
K'nuckles: ... [to Flapjack] That guy looked pretty smart. Maybe we should turn back.
Flapjack: What? Come on! All these warning signs mean we're headed toward something incredible! I bet no one's even made it out this far. Candied Island is probably just a few knots away.
Bubbie: It might be too dangerous, honey.
Flapjack: But I'm no stranger to danger!
Bubbie: Well, I-I know, baby, but —
Flapjack: If danger was a beautiful woman... [blissfully] I would marry her.
Bubbie: All right. We'll go a little further.
Flapjack: Yesssss!
Bubbie: ... But only because you're so sweet.
K'nuckles: You really think Candied Island is just a little farther, Flapjack?
Flapjack: [with the utmost sincerity] I do.
[After a moment, Flapjack takes off his shoe and shoves his foot (the one with the face) towards K'nuckles. K'nuckles recoils.]
K'nuckles: Eugh!
Flapjack: [as Mr. Foot] K'nuckles, could you tell me a little more about the West?
K'nuckles: I'm not supposed to talk about it.
Flapjack: [as Mr. Foot] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. The West is classified? Top-secret information?
K'nuckles: No! It's cursed! You're not supposed to talk about it!
Flapjack: [as Mr. Foot] Not supposed to talk about the West?
K'nuckles: [smacking Flapjack's foot away] Knock it off! This is serious. They say weird things happen at the mention of that word.
Bubbie: Stop being a superstitious Sally. There's nothing wrong with saying "west."
[At that moment, Bubbie bumps into a very large, very unnerving sort of fish-man.]
Sea Monster #1: Did you say "west"?
K'nuckles: Told you.
Flapjack: So what you're saying is, every time I say "west" —
[A merman and a mermaid appear beside Bubbie, each just as huge as the fish-man.]
Sea Monster #2: Oh, look, Martha! Tandem travelers, trioed by a floating whale.
Flapjack: So I should probably stop saying "west."
[An equally enormous man kneeling on a sea turtle joins in. He holds a single French fry in his hand.]
Sea Monster #3: French fry? Do you want a French fry?
Bubbie: U-uh, no, thank you. [whispering sharply to Flapjack] Pipe it, pumpkin.
[Flapjack smacks his hands over his mouth. Hesitantly, Bubbie resumes swimming.]
Flapjack: I'll never say "west" again.
[Far off in the background behind them, a colossal sea serpent comes out of the water and swallows all four of the other monsters at once.]
[Come sunset, Bubbie, Flapjack, and K'nuckles are still on the move, silhouetted against the darkening sky as Flapjack sings.]
Flapjack: ♫ Ohhh, Candied Island makes me smile and dance and chew bubble gum, do-do...! I'll brush my teeth on the jelly bean reef, grab a peppermint leaf, drink the licorice dew... ♫
[He trails off, eyes closed, wrapping and unwrapping his arms around the air in front of him.]
K'nuckles: ... What are you doing, boy?
Flapjack: Exercising my huggin' muscles! I'm gonna give Candied Island a big hug.
[Sometime a little later, still around sunset, K'nuckles scans the horizon with a spyglass.]
Bubbie: Do you see anything?
K'nuckles: Nah. All I see is... sea.
Flapjack: All this waiting's making me thirsty.
Bubbie: Well, baby, Bubbie's got the remedy for that.
Flapjack: You found Candied Island?
Bubbie: No. Uh, love — Bubbie's got water.
[She reaches into her mouth and feels around an open cabinet inside. The cabinet is empty, save for a spiderweb and a single glass of water. She withdraws the water and brings it up to Flapjack in her flipper.]
Bubbie: Oh, my. This is troublesome.
Flapjack: [unconcerned, beginning to drink] What, what's troublesome?
Bubbie: Well, baby, it's, it's — it's time to face some facts. We're running low on water, food, and overall enthusiasm. It's time to turn back.
[Flapjack stops mid-sip and lowers his water.]
K'nuckles: She's right, boy. This is my last pair.
[K'nuckles gestures to a pair of blue overalls with the word "ENTHUSIASM" written across them, layered over his attire in place of his usual coat. He is wearing the overalls now, but he was not wearing the overalls previously and he will not wear the overalls again.]
Country Choir: ♫ Overall enthusiasm, overall enthusiasm, overall enthusiasm... yeeeee-hawww! ♫
[Flapjack stares for a moment, stunned.]
Flapjack: But we're so close! [pouting, upset] I just know it.
Bubbie: My mind's made up. And it's past your bedtime now.
[She takes a blanket out of her mouth, lifts it up, and drapes it over a reluctant Flapjack.]
Flapjack: But — but —
Bubbie: Shh! Don't look at me with those soft-boiled eyes. Now, you know Bubbie's right.
Flapjack: Uh, K'nuckles?
[K'nuckles shrugs, produces a bottle of maple syrup, and takes a swig. He shivers, then burps.]
K'nuckles: Good night, boy.
[He passes out and begins to snore. Flapjack rolls unhappily in his blanket. His eyes start to close — only to snap back open for a moment. He smiles wide, then curls up to sleep as Bubbie swims homeward.]
[In the morning, K'nuckles awakens and sits up, smacking his lips.]
K'nuckles: Mmm. Oh, man. I feel like I slept on a wooden plank.
Flapjack: That's 'cause you did.
[The camera widens to reveal them both adrift on a simple wooden raft with a singular sail.]
K'nuckles: What the —
Flapjack: We must be really close to Candied Island now.
K'nuckles: Wait! What are we doing on this raft?
Flapjack: I got the idea last night. It wasn't fair of me to ask Bubbie to do something she doesn't want to do, so I built this raft! And we've been sailing for hours.
K'nuckles: Well, what'd you bring me for?
Flapjack: They told me to.
[Flapjack's hands slide into view, each with a smiling face drawn on.]
Flapjack: We'll get to Candied Island in no time at all.
[They sit on the raft, motionless. The camera zooms out as time passes.]
Flapjack: We're close now.
[More time passes. We draw further and further away.]
Flapjack: Almost there...
[Presumably a long while later, the camera closes back in on the raft, where K'nuckles is now lying flat, red-faced and gasping. Flapjack sits at the other end of the raft, facing away.]
K'nuckles: I gotta have water, Flapjack.
[Flapjack turns. His face is also red, with heavy dark circles around his eyes.]
Flapjack: Don't drink out of the ocean, K'nuckles! Seawater makes you crazy! Look at me! I've been drinkin' it for hours!
K'nuckles: You don't look crazy to me.
Flapjack: Really?!
[He laughs wildly, flopping around from foot to foot.]
K'nuckles: And your laugh sounds healthy, too. This water's all right!
[K'nuckles dunks his head into the sea and inhales a steady flow of water. Flapjack stops laughing, delirious but serious.]
Flapjack: Hey, stop it, K'nuckles! K'nuckles! You're sucking up the entire ocean! Stop it, K'nuckles! Do you know what fishies do in there?!
[He forces K'nuckles out of the water. They both begin to run back and forth, screaming. After a moment, they stop and sit down, panting hard, before falling back to lie face-up on the raft.]
K'nuckles: Why, Flapjack? How did we get into this mess?
Flapjack: I wanted to see Candied Island.
K'nuckles: Oh, yeah. Me, too.
Flapjack: Wait, look!
[He sits up. A reflection of Candied Island glimmers in his eyes.]
Flapjack: There it is!
Heavenly Choir: ♫ Candied Island! ♫
[K'nuckles catches sight of it, too. He laughs in wonderment. We, too see Candied Island, hazy and beautiful.]
Heavenly Choir: ♫ Ooh... ♫
[Without warning, a surreal nightmare sequence ensues, rendered in red lines on solid black. With a crash of thunder, Candied Island inverts colors and sinks into the ocean. A storm is rolling in. K'nuckles and Flapjack stand up on the raft, beginning to panic.]
K'nuckles: It's the end of the world!
Flapjack: The end is nigh! The end is nigh!
[They run in circles. Tumbling in the waves, the raft approaches a vast waterfall. The falls empty the raft into a bathtub with the fish-man cackling at the far end. Overflowing water spills the raft into a swirling whirlpool that swallows it up. Then, an enormous fish spits it out. Flapjack raises his foot. Its mouth moves, speaking for itself.]
Mr. Foot: Man the sails, boy — if you know what's good for you.
[The sail of the raft shapeshifts into the nutty, haggard man. He turns to look at the camera.]
Westman: Wessssst.
[He leaps away. The raft is tumbling down the waterfall once more. K'nuckles and Flapjack cling to one another, screaming. The camera twists around them as they plummet, surely to a horrible demise...]
[And then we return to normal coloring and rendering, where the raft floats peacefully at sea as before. K'nuckles and Flapjack continue screaming. Bubbie swims up to the raft, scowls, and crosses her flippers.]
Bubbie: K'nuckles.
[K'nuckles and Flapjack freeze mid-scream.]
Bubbie: Have you been letting my baby drink seawater?
K'nuckles: So that's not — oh, we're not supposed to?
[Flapjack vomits offscreen. When we see him again, he looks very ill, pale and sweating.]
Flapjack: Bubbie, I don't feel so good.
Bubbie: Yeah? Well, maybe next time, you'll think twice before sneaking off like that.
[More vomiting is audible from offscreen. Bubbie shakes her head, exasperated.]
[We return to the Stormalong docks. Flapjack's birthday decorations sag in the wind as he sits on Bubbie's back.]
Flapjack: Bubbie? I guess my listening skills weren't very good last night.
Bubbie: Oh, but your spirit of adventure was... though a little misguided.
Flapjack: That's why I have you!
Bubbie: Here, puddin'.
[She gives something to Flapjack, who then examines it. It appears to be a metal piece in the shape of the letter M.]
Flapjack: [dejected] An M for "misguided"?
Bubbie: Turn it around!
[He does.]
Flapjack: [delighted, gasping] What?!
[Flapjack calls to K'nuckles, who's just now climbing down a ladder off to the side.]
Flapjack: Look, Captain — a W for our compass!
K'nuckles: There is no more compass. I sold it for maple syrup.
[He takes the W from Flapjack, opens a bottle with it, and tosses it into the sea. K'nuckles gulps happily at his maple syrup with an arm around Flapjack's shoulders.]
K'nuckles: Happy birthday, Flapjack! Cheers.
[He clinks the bottle against Flapjack's forehead.]
Flapjack: Cap'n, thanks for the west birthday present ever!
[Flapjack produces a mug. A close-up reveals a design painted on it in the style of a sailor's tattoo: "I heart the West."]
K'nuckles: Don't mention it.
Flapjack: Literally!
[They laugh with one another as the screen cuts to red and black.]
[End on a solid black card with small red lettering: "The End." A red letter W sputters across from right to left. Flapjack, in voiceover: "The West is fun!"]