Dear Diary (transcript)

This article is a transcript of the The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack episode "Dear Diary," which aired on July 9, 2009.

[We open at nighttime on the Stormalong docks, where a snoozing Bubbie has Flapjack and K'nuckles tucked into bed under her tongue. Flapjack opens his eyes halfway, peeks over at K'nuckles, and finds him fast asleep, snoring. Flapjack exhales, then sneaks up to a gap between Bubbie's teeth. After a quick glance over his shoulder, he reaches into the gap and withdraws a burning candle, followed by a book. The book is green with fancy gold lettering.]
Heavenly Choir: ♫ Flapjack's secret diary! ♫
[K'nuckles snores more loudly for a second, causing Flapjack to jump a little and glance behind him again.]
K'nuckles: [muttering, asleep] I love you, Captain K'nuckles.
[Flapjack relaxes, smiling, and lies flat on his belly with the diary spread out in front of him. He taps his chin with a pencil.]
Flapjack: Hmm...
[He begins to write.]
Flapjack: [thinking] Dear diary...
[There is a sort of indistinct whispering sound as Flapjack continues writing. K'nuckles shudders and groans in his sleep, then starts awake.]
K'nuckles: Hey! What're you doin' over there?
Flapjack: Uhh...
K'nuckles: You writin' a... diary?
Flapjack: [smiling evasively] No.
[He resumes writing. K'nuckles leans in close beside him, trying to get a look at the diary.]
K'nuckles: Heh. I bet it's full'a stuff about me, huh? [laughs]
Flapjack: [chuckling] No, really, Captain.
[He pushes K'nuckles away and resumes writing, intertwining his feet in the air.]
Flapjack: [primly] This is a private affair.
[K'nuckles imagines four thought bubbles, each with an image of Flapjack holding his diary. All the thought bubbles and diaries merge into one while the four Flapjacks sing sweetly.]
Imaginary Flapjacks: ♫ Captain K'nuckles, the greatest in the world ♫
[The Flapjacks spin the single diary around and retreat from the screen. In their place, a pedestal manifests with the diary on top.]
Imaginary Flapjacks: ♫ With courage and honor, his glory shall unfurl ♫
[A small crowd gathers around the diary, trying to get a closer look. They appear to be inside a classical-styled museum. A large portrait of K'nuckles hangs on the wall.]
Imaginary Flapjacks: ♫ His beauty unending, his sailing skills are grand ♫
[The camera pans to reveal several more pieces of artwork on display. Most of these feature K'nuckles in various heroic poses.]
Imaginary Flapjacks: ♫ He's Captain K'nuckles, the finest adventurer in the land ♫
[We zoom very slowly towards a lamb on a leash in the middle of the crowd.]
Imaginary Flapjacks: ♫ Laaaaand... laaaaand... laaaaand... laaaaand... laaaaand... laaaaand... ♫
[The lamb turns to face the camera, bleating. Then, the thought bubble pops. We and K'nuckles jump back to reality, where Flapjack is singing softly in his sleep — hence the strange ending of the sequence. K'nuckles waves him awake.]
K'nuckles: Hey, Flap? Where'd you put your diary?
Flapjack: [yawning] That's personal, Cap'n.
K'nuckles: [growls slightly] Aw, come on, Flap. Just tell me where it is.
Flapjack: It's in its secret spot.
K'nuckles: Don't sass me, boy! [slapping lightly at Flapjack] Don't sass me, or I'll sass you!
Flapjack: [giggling] Hey!
Bubbie: [piping up] What's goin' on in there? K'nuckles, you let my baby sleep.
K'nuckles: But I just wanna —
Bubbie: I said you let my baby sleep, K'nuckles. That's your second warning.
Flapjack: [whispering, to K'nuckles] Sorry, Cap'n.
[Flapjack lays his head down, but K'nuckles keeps his eyes open, staring straight ahead.]
K'nuckles: Flapjack...
[Flapjack glances at K'nuckles over his shoulder, smiling.]
K'nuckles: I swear, by all the oceans in all the seven seas, I will find that diary... [directly at Flapjack] and I will read it!
[Flapjack's expression falls into an anxious frown as K'nuckles rolls away.]
Flapjack: [under his breath] Oh, no!
[Card: "The next morning" ...]
[K'nuckles walks into an alleyway. There is a door with a sign over it: "Private I and Lamps." K'nuckles enters. The shop consists of one small, dark room, full of lamps in all shapes and sizes. A man in a deerstalker hat is dusting the far wall. On hearing K'nuckles approach, the shopkeeper stops dusting.]
Shopkeeper: Looking into buying a lamp?
K'nuckles: Um, uh — huh? Are you a private investigator?
[The shopkeeper narrows his eyes, then drops beneath the counter. K'nuckles runs up and tries to look past the counter, only for the shopkeeper to whistle and reappear a little to the side. He puts his face between two lamps and pulls them slightly apart, looking very shifty.]
Shopkeeper: Yes, I am. [turning his head sideways] What seems to be the problem?
K'nuckles: Someone I know is hidin' my, uhh... marbles from me.
Shopkeeper: Marbles?
K'nuckles: Yeah. Marbles.
Shopkeeper: I suggest you... spy. [peeking back and forth behind the counter] In disguise.
K'nuckles: Well, what disguise should I wear?
Shopkeeper: See that big lamp over there? [points]
K'nuckles: [turning] What big lamp?
[The camera focuses on the item in question — a simple, nondescript table lamp.]
Shopkeeper: Yeah, that's right. You didn't even notice. Perfect disguise.
Whispery Choir: ♫ Secret! ♫
[We return to Bubbie's mouth, where Flapjack writes in his diary by candlelight. K'nuckles peers from behind Bubbie's tongue, wearing a lampshade. Flapjack stops writing...]
Flapjack: Hm?
[...then resumes. K'nuckles tiptoes a little closer. Flapjack pauses again.]
Flapjack: Hmm...
[Once again, Flapjack goes back to writing, and K'nuckles sneaks closer. He stops right next to Flapjack and strikes a pose, eyes unblinking and vacant. Flapjack squints up at K'nuckles beside him — suspicious, but still unaware.]
Flapjack: Hmm.
[Finally, Flapjack yawns, gets up, and stashes his diary in its hiding place between Bubbie's teeth. He then walks off to bed.]
Flapjack: Yawn, yawn, yawn. [lying down] Good night, Bubbie.
Bubbie: Night, sleepyhead.
Flapjack: [knowingly] Good night, Captain...
[K'nuckles's eyes open wide with surprise.]
Flapjack: ...wherever you are tonight.
[Flapjack goes to sleep. K'nuckles smiles, chuckling deviously. He tugs on his nose, as if to turn off a light. The screen goes black.]
[In the morning, the shadow of K'nuckles falls over Flapjack, who is just beginning to wake up. K'nuckles speaks in a quick half-whisper, sounding almost giddy.]
K'nuckles: Hey, Flapjack!
Flapjack: [smiling sleepily, restraining a yawn] Oh, hey, Cap'n. Where were you last night?
K'nuckles: I was, uh — I was countin' birds.
Flapjack: [chuckling] Oh, yeah?
K'nuckles: Yeah! I counted one hundred and eleventy-five birds.
Flapjack: I-is that a game?
K'nuckles: Ah — heh, heh... Yeah, Flap, it's a — it's a game! Uh, y'wanna play?
Flapjack: [getting up, snickering] Yeah!
K'nuckles: Then get goin'!
[Flapjack bounces off to the docks, calling back at K'nuckles as he goes.]
Flapjack: I bet I can count more birds than you!
K'nuckles: Yeah, I bet you can, boy.
[He chuckles wickedly under his breath. Flapjack closes the "door" (Bubbie's tooth) behind him.]
K'nuckles: I bet you... heh, heh, heh...
[K'nuckles continues laughing under his breath as he sneaks over to Flapjack's hiding place and takes out the diary. Bubbie spits him out in her sleep, and he hides behind a barrel, sitting down to read.]
K'nuckles: Ah, here we go. Now, let's see... [flipping through the diary] Captain K — oh. [frowns, flips faster] Okay, here. It says somethin' about my, uh... [flipping, turning the diary left and right] Ah, this diary don't make sense. [shaking the diary up and down] It's got words all over it!
Bubbie: [blinking awake] Huh? What... wha?
K'nuckles: Hmm? Oh — !
[K'nuckles hops into the barrel, leaving the diary in the open beside it. Bubbie's flipper reaches in from offscreen.]
Bubbie: Well, now, what's this? [taking the diary] "Flapjack's secret diary."
Heavenly Choir: [softly] ♫ Flapjack's secret diary! ♫
Bubbie: Oh, I really shouldn't. I really, really... [inhales, flips pages rapidly] Oh, just one page wouldn't hurt. Now I can read all about my little dumplin'!
[K'nuckles watches from a peephole in the side of the barrel.]
K'nuckles: [chuckling to himself] Oh, yeah.
Bubbie: [smiling, reading] "Bubbie is so nice. She is smooth. Oh, today" — hmm — "Bubbie's breath smelled extra bad"?
[She frowns, blinking. Flapjack skips down the stairs beside her and goes to stand opposite her on the dock.]
Flapjack: Hi, Bubbie! Seen any birds around here?
Bubbie: [voice rising] Are you sure you want to talk to me and my mouth? It doesn't stink too much for you?
[A green odor curls out from Bubbie's mouth as she speaks. Flapjack clasps his hands, sounding a little nervous.]
Flapjack: I would never say that.
Bubbie: I know what you said! And it's all right here in your diary.
[She holds Flapjack's diary up to his face. He emits an upset little "oh," grabs it out of Bubbie's flippers, and hugs it tightly.]
Flapjack: [tearfully] You, Bubbie? I never thought you would invade my privacy.
[Bubbie pulls her flippers away, avoiding eye contact, blushing and grimacing with guilt.]
Bubbie: I'm sorry I read your diary, and I promise never to do it again. Forgive me?
Flapjack: [unhappy] I forgive you, Bubbie. [then, determined] But now I have to put it in a new, extra-special secret hiding spot — one that no one will ever find.
K'nuckles: [still peeking from inside the barrel] Ah, crabs.
[Card: "The next day, while Flap's away" ...]
[K'nuckles briefly inspects the inside of Bubbie's mouth. He lifts up her tongue and looks underneath.]
K'nuckles: Hmm...
[All he finds are a few live fish, flopping around in a puddle. He puts Bubbie's tongue back down and clenches his fists.]
K'nuckles: Ugh! I looked everywhere. That diary just ain't here.
Bubbie: Sure it is. You're just too k'nuckleheaded to find it. [laughs]
K'nuckles: Ah, you don't know where it is, either.
Bubbie: I know my own body, fool!
K'nuckles: Then where is it?
Bubbie: I'm not tellin' you. [laughs again]
K'nuckles: Hmph!
[K'nuckles narrows his eyes. We hear a "ding!", and he smiles devilishly.]
K'nuckles: Hmm, yeah, I could see why you wouldn't want anybody lookin' at it — you know, uh, considerin Flapjack's been writing all about you again.
Bubbie: What?! I don't believe that.
K'nuckles: Yeah, well, don't take my word for it. Find out for yourself.
Bubbie: Maybe I will.
[Bubbie spits K'nuckles onto the deck.]
Bubbie: Just to prove you wrong.
[She reaches into her mouth and finds the diary immediately. K'nuckles snatches it out of her flippers.]
K'nuckles: Oh, I know exactly where it is. [flipping through the diary] Uh, Captain K'nuckles, Captain K'nuckles, ah...
Bubbie: Captain K-what?
K'nuckles: Oh, yeah. Bubbie, Bubbie, Bubbie... [reading] "Bubbie smells like a wrestler, Bubbie needs to shave..."
[We see from over K'nuckles's shoulder that the diary is actually opened to a drawing of Bubbie with little hearts around it. "Best Friends" is written above it. Notably, K'nuckles is holding the diary upside down.]
K'nuckles: [reading] "Bubbie has octopus lips, Bubbie needs to swim a few laps..."
[He flips the page to another sweet, happy drawing of Bubbie.]
K'nuckles: [reading] "Bubbie clumsy. Bubbie clumpy. Bubbie sea monster. Bubbie crossed-eggs eyes." Ugh!
[Bubbie, who has been getting progressively more upset, begins to cry. Meanwhile, K'nuckles just looks sort of annoyed.]
K'nuckles: Why is there nothing in there about me?
Bubbie: [bitterly] Can't be all about me. There has to be somethin' about you.
K'nuckles: It's all about you!
[Bubbie tries to take the diary, but K'nuckles holds on. They tug it back and forth, grunting. We see Flapjack coming down the stairs in the background.]
Flapjack: [gasps] Hey!
[Bubbie and K'nuckles stop fighting over the diary. They both smile nervously.]
Bubbie: Sorry, puddin', muffin — I — oh, I —
K'nuckles: Uh, it fell from the sky.
[Flapjack solemnly reclaims his diary and hugs it into his chest, eyes closed.]
Flapjack: I can't trust either of you. I have no choice but to live on my own.
[He starts to walk away.]
Bubbie: But, baby —
[Flapjack whips around. His face is twisted with anger and sadness.]
Flapjack: Like a hermit!!
[Card: "5 minutes later" ...]
[Flapjack rests on the beach of a small island with a jungle in the background. His diary sits next to him on the sand. He's grown a coarse beard, his clothes are in tatters, and his skin is covered in wrinkles and liver spots. He chuckles and inhales deeply.]
Flapjack: Whoo! Yep. [nudges the diary with his elbow] This is the life, huh? Heh. [scratches his beard] Life of a hermit. [beat] Well, better go and find some food. Don't want to starve to death.
[He picks up his diary, stands, and walks off into the jungle, whistling. Almost immediately, he comes upon a treasure chest, sitting at the foot of some palm trees. He gasps, kneels, and rubs it with one hand.]
Flapjack: Yeow-wow-wow! Zow! Zow! Zow! Zow! Yeow-wow-wow! [drops his diary, rubs with both hands] A real treasure chest! I gotta go tell Captain K'nuck — [stops, finishes quietly] ...les.
[For a moment, he looks terribly sad. Then, he looks down at his diary, grabs it, and hardens with anger.]
Flapjack: Aw, who needs 'em, right? [sitting down, opening the diary] Hmm. Hmph. [digs a pencil out of his beard] Hmm. [thinking as he writes] Dear diary... Today I found a treasure chest. I wonder what's inside! Maybe it's full of ice cream... but it could also be full of some snakes. What do you think? Should I open it? Diary? Wh-what do you think? Diary? Wh-what do you —
[Something rustles in the vegetation nearby. Flapjack gasps and stops writing. He spots a monkey meandering through the trees. Many, many banana peels are strewn on the ground around him. He stops, startled.]
Monkey: Ook, ook!
Flapjack: [bouncing up and down like a monkey] Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey! [laughs]
Monkey: [mimicking Flapjack] Ook, ook!
Flapjack: Ook, ook! [approaching the monkey] Monkey! Ook, ook!
[The monkey reaches out, and they hug happily.]
Flapjack: Oh, monkey.
Monkey: [climbs onto Flapjack's head] Ook, ook!
Flapjack: [chuckles, then spots the banana peels] Oh! Say, you've been eatin' a lot of bananas, friend. I'll help you clean 'em up. [picks up a banana peel] Hmm, what's this?
[Something is written on the inside of the banana peel.]
Flapjack: [reading] "Dear diary... I like bananas." Huh! Looks like I found out your little secret, huh, monkey?
[The monkey bursts into tears and runs away, much to Flapjack's dismay. He runs after the monkey.]
Flapjack: Wait! Monkey!
[The monkey leaps into the sea and disappears.]
Flapjack: I'm... [falls to his knees] I'm sorry.
[Some time later, Flapjack rests on the beach as before.]
Flapjack: Oh, Bubbie, I miss your face.
[He draws a lopsided impression of Bubbie with his finger in the sand. The drawing quickly degenerates into an unintelligible squiggle.]
Flapjack: I can't remember! [sobs] I don't want to be a hermit.
Bubbie: [from offscreen] Well, then come home, puddin'.
[The camera steps back to reveal Bubbie floating in the water just beside Flapjack. She has K'nuckles on her back, as well.]
Flapjack: ... You two were watching me this whole time? [downcast] I can't ever have any privacy.
Bubbie: Oh, look, I'm sorry, baby — I should've known better than to listen to K'nuckles.
Flapjack: [rubbing his arm] I guess I did read that monkey's diary. [cheering up] I guess we're all terrible people! [laughs]
Bubbie: Yeah, well — I'm not going to be a terrible person, because... [with sincerity] I promise never to read your diary again.
Flapjack: I promise not to read anyone else's diary, too.
K'nuckles: I can't even read!
Flapjack: Okay, let's go back. I just need —
[He returns to the treasure chest, where he left his diary — only to find that it's missing.]
Flapjack: Huh? Hey! Who took my diary this time?
[The camera cuts over to the monkey, who sits with Flapjack's diary below some trees nearby.]
Monkey: Ook, ook!
[The four of them all share a good laugh. Flapjack's voice is quietly audible underneath the laughter as he shakes his head, chuckling.]
Flapjack: Oh, boy. Terrible.
[End episode on a candlelit card with cursive lettering in an open diary: "The end."]

Dear Diary (transcript)

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